I haven't fallen off the face of the earth again, I have just contracted a bad cold. I hope yesterday was the peak of my discomfort. I could barely walk from room to room without sneezing, and my sinuses seemed to be in constant-drip mode. I actually braved the outside world to go buy some over the counter meds, hoping to beat the symptoms into submission, but they didn't seem to do that much good.

I kept reminding myself that a cold is really nothing serious. If it becomes the flu then yes, there are complications to worry about. But really, a cold is a very minor thing. So how can something that really isn't that serious make you feel this bad?!?!

Of course, as a member of a family, I am fraught with fear that I will spread it around, too. And I am the cook in the family, providing me lots of opportunity to share my germs. All I can say is that I tried to be extra vigilant about my cleanliness as I cooked yesterday. I hope it is enough. My son gets a two-week vacation from school starting next Monday, and I'll feel awful if he spends it all sneezing and miserable. Likewise for my husband.

Today seems a tiny bit better -- at least the over the counter meds seem to be making a difference. So with any luck, I'll become truly human again in a day or two, and feel capable of writing about something beyond my own misery. Heaven knows this isn't what I want to be talking about anytime, but especially not during the holiday season.

I have been wondering lately whether the current recession might result in a giant leap forward in an evolution away from the traditional employer/employee relationship.

For years now, there have been more entrepreneurial businesses starting. In addition, there have been displaced workers who, by choice or by default, become independent contractors. Those two things were indisputably trends before this recession hit. But as we look at the massive numbers of traditional jobs that are beign eliminated, I can't help but suspect that we will never see similar numbers of traditional jobs created to replace them.

Maybe by the time my 15-year-old son is my age, going to work in an office or a factory or a lab where you have to clock in and out at the same time every day will be the exception rather than the rule. I could see the economy evolving to one where most people are free agents. Maybe we will all -- or at least most of us -- work in an environment where we go where the work is, when there's work to be done.

That would be especially new and challenging, I think, to those in the manufacturing sector. My husband's sister and her sons all work in factories, as did my oldest brother until his retirement. My observation of factory work traditionally has been a deal that said, more or less: "I will come in and do mind-numbing and physically difficult work that provides no inherent satisfaction. I will do that faithfully and in return, you will provide me a secure and predictable income." To go from that model to a free agency one looks like a loss to those employees. And maybe the evolution will be such that there remains a core team that is guaranteed stability in return for their stability. (After all, someone has to keep the place running.) But I see there being a large pool of workers who are called when there's work and not paid when there is not.

My personal experience is more in the corporate world. It's a little easier to imagine that world working on a freelance model. Again, you'd probably have a core of management that works its manic 60-hour weeks just like now, but a lot more of the employees would be free agents. They would be contracted to get things done, not to sit at desks or attend meetings. There would be a lot more flexibility about getting that work done wherever it makes the most sense. This is all easier for me to imagine because I think the corporate world has been moving in that direction already anyway. Many big corporations have embraced flex-time and alternate work environments and job-sharing and telecommuting, at least in certain situations. It's only a small leap to envision those things becoming the more dominant model.

Of course, for any of these things to be more than pie in the sky, there needs to be a solution to the problem of benefits. An awful lot of American workers work where they do in order to maintain major medical coverage, access to a pension plan or 401(k) plan, and some kind of income protection in case they become ill or disabled. In today's world, someone who is self-employed does without those protections, or purchases them at a high cost. That's why I think the current recession might help move us along this continuum: when you are talking about millions of Americans with these needs, there will be an incentive to come up with a solution.

Well, that's my deep thought for the day. We have a big family birthday party this weekend, so I'm off to shop for birthday presents.

I owe a big thank-you to my friend Shannon. She follows my blog and sent me an e-mail yesterday asking me where the heck I have been. That was just the nudge I needed. Somehow, since I came back from visiting relatives over Thanksgiving I have been unable to get back into any of the rhythms I had developed before. I'm not only not writing in my blog, but I haven't been doing my morning journal, either. About all I have been doing, in fact, is applying online for jobs I don't really want.

Cliche as it sounds, I think I am partly the victim of a fear of failure. Let me tell you how I got to this point.

When I was a kid, writing came as naturally to me as breathing. It was clearly my calling, but in college I decided I wanted the life of a briefcase and a commute and a big office and what appeared then to be security. So I turned my back on writing except as a supporting skill and earned degrees that led me into business.

Life kept pulling me back to writing. When I graduated with a Masters degree in Economics, I followed my (then) husband to a small rural community. The first job I was able to get was as a radio copywriter. The job literally sought me out. From there, I transitioned into a marketing job at a bank, which felt more like the business thing I so wanted. But the fact that I could write well was always what gave me an edge.

So I followed the "career path" for about 15 years. Somewhere along in there, I had a baby and began to be aware of a tension between the values I wanted to live out for him, and the pressures of putting career first. For the last seven or so years, I have been trying to find work that on the one hand built on those skills I acquired earlier in my life, but on the other hand allowed a lifestyle more consistent with what I want now. I moved to the not-for-profit world.

But now, I find myself unemployed and realizing that in a perfect world, I'd rather not work in a 9 to 5 setting at all. I'd like to work from home, for myself, managing my time based upon the demands of the work and never again having to play politics or be there just because of "face time". So I'm looking back at the opportunity I walked away from as a young adult, thinking, "Hmm, maybe I should try to earn a living as a writer. I could be my own boss that way, and do work that I find meaningful."

So here's the rub: after about 30 years of thinking of writing as my fallback position, as something I walked away from but could always return to, I think I am really scared to fail. If, after all this, it turns out I can't do it, what's left?

Like so many people in our world, my whole self-worth is tied up in my job. I really liked the identity of being a business executive. Truth be told, even though I don't miss the work at all, I miss that identity. I felt important then. Working in non-profits was more fun, but I didn't feel as much ego gratification. Then losing a job at a non-profit was a real kick in the ego! Now, if it turns out after all this time that my writing isn't really that good, either, that no one is out there just dying to pay for my beautifully written prose, then what's left? I'm just an unemployed middle-aged nobody. Ouch!

In the end, money may be the driving force. Without my income, our family budget is pinched. If I don't start generating some money with writing soon, the whole emotional side of it won't matter. I will have to go take a day job. Even now, I've reached the point that if one came along that looked pretty well within acceptable parameters, I'd take it. I have college tuition coming up in a few years, and I owe it to my son to be responsible. But I'm not yet to the point where I'll take just anything, and I know I should be using whatever few precious months I have here to really give the writing my best shot.

So this blog entry is step one in shaking off the fear. This afternoon, I'm going to research some magazine titles to try to determine where my writing would be a good fit, and then I'll put together some queries. Then, we'll have to figure out what makes sense as a next step.

Thanks, Shannon, for the kick in the seat. You helped me more than you know!

I keep saying this isn't going to be a mommy blog, but then I keep posting about my son. Oh well, they say you should write about what you feel passionate about -- and this is definitely what I feel passionate about.

I am so happy this morning I feel like popping champagne corks or something. (Except that I didn't get to bed until late last night, so I'd probably doze off in my champagne. ) My son, a high school freshman, had a two-page personal narrative due in English yesterday morning, an oral presentation for Latin class that had to be ready by yesterday morning, and a five page research paper in Science due today.

In previous years, having three big projects due at the beginning of this one week would have been a sure recipe for disaster. This is exactly the kind of situation where his executive function issues usually trip him up. He can't seem to manage his time, he gets into a big approach/avoidance procrastination game, and eventually melts down. Extensions are requested and even then, it is like a torturous nightmare finally getting everything done and turned in.

So we did not approach this week with great eagerness. But I am delighted -- thrilled, even -- to say that Sam completed all three projects on time! When he left here Monday morning the personal narrative had already been turned in, via e-mail, the night before. (And by the way, though it was only required to be two pages, his turned out to be five or six pages long, and extremely compelling!) He was ready for his oral presentation, though he did not get called on to deliver his yesterday.

Last night my son was up until midnight, but when he went to bed the paper was done, with hard copy printed and in his binder and electronic copy already sent, as per this teacher's preferences. The research paper isn't wonderful, but it isn't bad, either. If I were grading it, I'd give it a B, probably. In light of the two other big projects and the fact that he met all deadlines, I'm actually more than OK with that!

I am so happy! He has shown so much progress this year, and meeting these three big deadlines just seems to me like the perfect illustration of how far he has come.

We leave tomorrow morning for a few days in Michigan, at the rural home of one of my husband's brothers and his family. It's a place we all enjoy, and I am so gratified to think that Sam can go and enjoy these few days of relaxation in the warm glow of success, rather than having some big thing hanging over his head. Right now, in this moment, I just feel like it doesn't get any better than this!

OK, I had sort of decided not to use this blog to write about my own writing efforts. But since I have exactly one follower so far, I still feel pretty free to change my mind. So I've decided to post here what I wrote in my journal this morning. Somehow, posting it in this more public way, where people might actually see it and read it, feels like I'm making a commitment.

Here goes:

OK, this morning I broke all my little self-imposed “rules.” I went back to bed for an hour after the guys left. Then after my shower, I sat down at the computer and started job-hunting right away, without doing my free-writing first.

But you know what? It’s OK, because I actually think I just had a flash of insight. I need to stop worrying so much about bringing in money, or I am never going to bring in any money by writing. Buried within me, underneath many years of accumulated suppression, there’s a lot of creativity. If I can just tap into it, and start writing things that are creative, I can sell some of them. I just know it. But instead, I spend most of my time at the computer looking for writing gigs that will generate a little short-term cash flow. Of course, I’m competing with every other unemployed, wannabe writer out there for those gigs. And there’s no money to speak of in the ones I see any way.

When I was a kid, I used to sit down and write stories. I did it for the fun of it, because it came naturally. And they were good. But I made a decision in college that I wanted a nine-to-five life with benefits and security, and I made a series of choices that took me that direction. Along the way, I worked hard to suppress the creativity and instead learned to be a translator. I’d take complex boring financial or technical concepts and translate them into understandable English. Creative flourishes were always discouraged.

Now, I need to spend some quality hours at my computer just writing made up stories for the fun of it. I need to know that they won’t all work out; some will have to be abandoned completely and others will have to be attempted many times before they turn into something. But I believe if I do this, I can eventually write something worth reading – and when I do that, I can sell it.

I also need to start churning out magazine queries. They take a long time to generate money, but the writing would be more enjoyable. I just need to let go and let God. I need to trust that somehow, he will provide the money we need.

It’s funny that I’m saying all this today, because just yesterday I sat and did a detailed cash flow analysis and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can’t afford to do what I’m doing beyond the end of March. Unless I start bringing in income, I mean. Living off the unemployment and savings will stretch me until the end of March, and when the April mortgage payment comes due, I won’t have it. Now, my husband is employed and with his help we can probably scrabble through a few more months, but I don’t want him and Sam to suffer for my choices. And I do believe the cuts we’d have to make at that point would involves some suffering.

So I guess here’s what I have to do. I have to keep applying for full-time jobs that look not-awful to me, in part because I have to do that anyway to stay eligible for unemployment. If one of those materializes, I will probably accept it and take that as a sign from God. I’ll keep building my writing business on the side, replenish my savings, and watch for a sign that it is the right time to go to writing full time.

I will focus more on generating proposals for magazine writing or any other writing that actually captures my imagination. I’ll set some kind of goals about sending out some number of query letters per week.

And then, most importantly of all, I think, I will set aside some time every day for creative writing. I will try to generate short stories and/or a novel. And marketable essays. But I will write things that give me joy, that use the talents God gave me and that make me feel like I am fulfilling my destiny. I will adjust my schedule so that a lot more of my daytime hours are spent actually sitting and WRITING!!

There you have it. Those are the thoughts I wrote in the privacy of my journal this morning, that I am now posting out on the web for all the world to see. I have committed!

It feels like I haven't written forever! I had to report to federal jury duty the past two days, so I've been offline.

I had rather dreaded jury duty, though my husband and some of my friends who have served on juries had tried to convince me it wasn't that bad. In a way they were right, but I am still grateful that I didn't actually get seated on a jury.

It's the bureacracy that makes it such a hassle. We were told to report by 7:45 promptly, but we didn't actually start the jury selection process until 3:30. In the end, it turned out our judge was hearing the federal elections case about allowing the provisional ballots, though we didn't find that out until much later. We just got a series of short delays. We watched a movie and a half, most of us shared pizza ordered in, and after what felt like forever, it got to be about 2:25. The woman who had mothered us all day came in and announced that we would all be released. The judge wanted to talk to us, and he said he would be down to the jury room at 2:30.

Of course, 2:30 came and went and around 2:45 she announced a change in plans. We were going up to the courtroom and he'd talk to us there. We filed in and sat down and waited a few minutes, and then they announced there had been a change and the case was, indeed, going to trial! (People felt way worse at that point. Hearing that we were going home and having it yanked back a few minutes later was very difficult!)

We were marched out of the courtroom, lined up by juror number, and marched back into the courtroom. The process of selecting jurors finally began at 3:30. At 5:25 it was obvious they could not complete the task that day, so we were sent home. Twelve jurors were released and the remaining 50 of us were told to come back the next morning. (A few had been released throughout the course of the day.) The process would begin at 8:30, we were told, but be there by 8:00.

We were actually ushered back into the courtroom about 9:30 the second morning. Finally, at 10:20, the judge announced that it would take them about 30 minutes to finalize the jury selection. We were to be gathered in the hall at 10:50 to hear the selection.

We were gathered at 10:50, and we had a lovely time to socialize, since they didn't come out to announce the jury until 11:30. After some last minute escape efforts by one of the selected and a thank you from the judge, we left for the day at about 11:50.

Citizens are compensated $40 a day for jury duty. While that doesn't cover what most people make in a day, it still seems like a lot of money to me when I consider that there were about 70 of us the first day and 50 the second. The federal court had around $4,800 invested before the jury was even seated! And that doesn't include reimbursements for mileage, parking and hotels!

I understand the importance of juries in maintaining the American justice system. And, I genuinely believe they did all they could to make us comfortable and to reduce the strain. Yet I think most of the people called on that jury panel would say it was not a very positive experience. It's a shame, really. Oh, and a federal jury draws from a 30-county area, so some of these people had driven far or were having to stay in hotels. I guess the second morning there were 3 inches of snow on the ground over in Eastern Ohio, and some jurors had to make the second drive in through that!

The jury room offered an interesting cross-section of the population, as well it should. I found it interesting how open and friendly most people were. I wonder if that would be true in a federal jury in another part of the country? I had chats with several fellow jurors where I came away with a pretty good understanding of that person's life. In all honesty, I didn't open up to them nearly as much.

OK, I hope this has purged the jury selection experience and that tomorrow, I'll feel free to write something that is less of a complaint!

Oh, one bright note on another subject. My friend's son was accepted at the special high school for kids with learning disabilities, and he was scheduled to start there yesterday. I so hope that he is able to recover and thrive there! He and his mom remain in my prayers. I just want to see the Matthew that we saw by the end of 8th grade -- a boy who interacts with friends and make jokes and is able to enjoy life. I want to see him fulfill his potential and get a college education and head out into the world with justified optimism. He deserves it. In fact, every kid does!

My son's grade card came and all things considered, we were pleased -- nothing lower than a B-. As I've indicated earlier, in terms of raw intellectual power he ought to be a straight A student. But he has learning issues that center around organization, and last year we saw more than our share of Cs and even lower. I hope that over time he is able to master compensating techniques for organizing and earn even higher grades, but for his first grading period of high school, that wasn't too shabby.

I had a conversation yesterday that made me stop and appreciate how good things really are with Sam. I called a friend I hadn't talked to in about four months. It is one of those friendships that grew out of the fact that our boys were classmates and involved in many activities together, but eventually took on a life of its own. I was way overdue to have checked in with her.

Her son has Asperger's Syndrome. I think most people are familiar with that term now, but in case you have never heard it, Asperger's is a special type of autism. Those with it are often very intelligent, as her son is, but they have a lot of trouble with normal human interaction. They don't usually make eye contact and they are unable to read non-verbal cues and facial expressions. When her son was in early elementary school, I didn't think he would be able to make it in society in any "normal" capacity -- he was that disabled. But he has had a lot of good therapy and by middle school, he was really blossoming. He had friends, he interacted with other kids in seemingly normal ways, he made jokes...It was really uplifting to see how far he had come.

For high school, he went to a private all-male college preparatory school and I had heard from another mother that it hadn't worked out well for him. He had transferred to a co-ed Catholic high school with a good reputation. I hadn't felt unduly alarmed by that -- the all-male school in question is pretty rigorous and pretty rigid, and lots of boys who start there find it's not the right place and transfer somewhere else successfully.

I'm sorry to say that was not the case for my friend's son. He found the new high school emotionally overwhelming. There were so many new teachers to try to connect with and understand, so many new kids to try to get acquainted with, the constant changing of classes and input of too many stimuli. She said he completely withdrew into himself to the point that he would sometimes go a whole day at school without speaking a word, or no more than monosyllables.

So yesterday he was off being evaluated at a special high school designed for kids with learning disabilities. She said that if they do not accept him, she feels her only option is some kind of home schooling. And she didn't sound any more excited about that option than I would be. This is a very, very intelligent boy, and the goal is to get him to college. It would be very, very difficult to provide him all that he needs in a homeschool setting. Yet I share her certainty that if he can get a college education, he can find a niche -- probably in the computer industry -- where he can apply the things he is good at and build a satisfying life for himself. Besides, he DID learn to relate to his classmates at the old school, eventually. Moving into an isolated setting where he gets no practice at that can't be good for him.

So today my heart and prayers are with her as she awaits the decision from the potential new school. And inside, I rage at the injustice of a world that can't accomodate a kid like this.

Oh -- and I hope this doesn't sound insensitive -- and I also breathe a little prayer of thanks that my son's transition to high school has been as overall positive as it has. This sad story is a huge reminder to me that while my son's road has a few bumps, his journey is progressing pretty well.

On Friday, I passed the one month milestone of losing my previous job. Maybe that's the underlying reason, but I find myself in the best spirits I've been in since that fateful day in October. As I look at it, I find several widely different reasons to feel so good.

On Friday, I spent much of the day seeking out ways to reactivate all my professional networks and to get the word out that I am looking for writing work. Even though it is too early to have seen any rewards from those efforts yet, I find that I do feel better just for having made the effort. It helps me begin to believe that I really will be able to generate some work this way.

Today, I did my weekly search for job opportunities to which I can apply in order to keep drawing unemployment compensation. Hey, the job market may be bleak, and I may have set my sights on this freelance path, but that weekly unemployment check is hugely helpful until I make the transition and I want to make sure I continue to qualify. So I had just resigned myself to applying for the least objectionable opportunities I see. After all, I rarely get a response even when I'm applying for a position for which I think I'd be perfect. I'm not in that much danger of getting hired for a job I know is not a good match.

But today, I actually found a couple of postings that were not objectionable. They were jobs I could actually envision myself doing. And I realized as I applied for them that I have a wonderful freedom right now. I have laid all my plans based on building my own freelance business and scrimping by on low income while I get there. But if I were offered a really decent full-time job, I would probably accept it and continue to build my freelance business on the side in a slower, safer environment. How's that for a can't lose situation?

Finally, and I'll admit this is a little silly perhaps, but I'm beginning to recognize some of the wonderful virtues of working from home. I was never a full-time mother or homemaker. I have spent my entire life driving through rush hour traffic to a workplace where I was expected to be for most of the day, and fitting my life around those constraints. On Friday, knowing the weather was predicted to turn bad as the day went on, I went to the grocery store at 8:00 a.m. I did my grocery shopping in lovely uncrowded aisles, and I was home before the rain and flurries came. It felt great -- like I was getting away with something! That's also how I feel when I choose not to put on any makeup some mornings, or when I take a break from the computer and sweep the floor or some like task.

Who knows, this positive turn of mood may not last. But while it does, I'm going to enjoy it!

I am in the interesting situation of having a teenager in the house during my midlife years, since we didn't have our only child until somewhat later than average. (If there is any "average" time to have babies any more!)


My son is wonderful and gifted and all those things you would expect me to say, but he is also a very different kid. Depending upon your mindset, you might describe him as eccentric or unique or just weird.

•On one hand, he has a very high IQ. On the other, he has some ADHD-like issues with executive function, which means that he can't organize his way out of a paper bag, and often fails to turn assignements in on time, thus earning low grades.

•On one hand, he is a classic math/science/chess nerd. On the other, he loves music and theatre and most of all musical theatre, and he is very talented in those areas. So he is alternately a loner and an exhibitionist.

•On one hand, this is a kid who has been on anti-depressants since third grade. He can have a very dark world view. On the other, he has a sharp sense of humor and loves to make people laugh.

He went to a private Montessori school from age 3 through 8th grade, and is now a 9th grader at our public high school. We shopped around, but we were fortunate that our local public high school is a very, very good school. Given how different he is, I thought it would be to his advantage to be in a larger population, where he could more likely find a few like souls.

I guess it was a good decision, because there is no doubt that he is happier this year than I've ever seen him. But I continue to struggle, as I always have, with understanding what happiness means for him versus for me. He really hasn't made any friends yet, but I have to admit that this fact appears to bother me more than it bothers him.

Next week we will receive the first official grade card and have parent-teacher conferences, so I should get a lot better insight into how things are going then. I'll try to post something more when I've synthesized that!

My day job went away quite suddenly (and not of my own choosing) a month ago. My last two career jobs have left a bad taste in my mouth, so I’m feeling a little gunshy about jumping back into the traditional job market. I have worked as some form of a marketing professional for about 24 years, yet I feel very unsure about getting back on that horse. Times have changed, I have changed, I’m feeling a little scarred, and all other things being equal, I’d like to make a big change. I’d like to work independently as a freelance writer.

I’ve been doing a lot of research, and the way I see it, there are two key ways to make money as a freelance writer. Well, three, really, but the third one is a slow-build. That one is writing for magazines and such. It is work I think I would enjoy very much, but I know can’t build up to an adequate income level fast enough with it. (That is, fast enough to continue making mortgage payments after my meager savings are exhausted.)

The other two ways to make money as a freelancer are to do commercial copywriting and to aggressively “monetize” a blog. (This is the process of drawing advertisers and creating other things you can sell from your blogsite, like e-books or newsletters. When done well, it can be very effective.) Commercial copywriting ties most closely into what I’ve done for all these years, and would use skills I know I have, but I’m a little hazy on how to actually market myself and build a clientele. (Again, with an implied “fast enough” at the end of that sentence.)

The blogging thing appeals to me, except that to be successful you have to passionately state your opinions about something. I feel like I’ve spent most of my adult life getting trained to suppress my opinions, make peace, smooth the waters, not alienate anyone. I would definitely have been AWESOME at this when I was in my 20’s, because back then I had a strong opinion about everything and I was pretty sure I was right. Now, I am so accustomed to self-censoring that I don’t know if I can write passionate opinion.

Most experts would say, of course, that the trick is to blog on a subject you feel passionately about. So what do I feel passionately about? Well, I feel passionately about raising my son; I am passionately intrigued with the experience of mid-life; I am passionate about my beliefs as a Catholic Christian. Beyond that, I’m not so sure.

My son is 15 years old, so I don’t fit the general mommy-blogger stereotype. They are mostly stay-at-home mothers of pre-schoolers and early-elementary-age children. The parents-of-teenage sites I have found all seem like us-against-them battle stations. So perhaps there is a niche for me to explore here…..

I found a whole mid-life blogging community, so I can definitely think about targeting something there. Actually, I could probably blog about mid-life and raising a teenager and create my own niche-within-a-niche that way.

The Christian stuff is really important to me, but I’m pretty sure that if I want to do something with that, it should be on its own separate blog. And while I know I would enjoy the writing, I’m less confident about making money through it.

So I’m thinking that tomorrow, I’m going to try blogging on the experiences of raising a teen-age son and turning 50. I can see the potential for it to turn into boring navel-gazing, but I hope I can bring enough professional discipline to the project to keep it targeted to real readers.

And thus, a blog is born!

I know it's probably cliche, but I just can't help myself. I just returned from voting and I feel so good! Like most other people, I get very sick of the campaigns and I don't want to hear another political ad for -- well -- ever. But election day, when I get to go to the polling place and stand in line to cast my ballot, is one of the most inspiring events of the whole year.

I don't know if this is true for others, but I always see a bunch of my neighbors there. That adds to the general feeling of well-being that election day provides. Here I am, surrounded by my neighbors, exercising the great privilege and responsibility of living in a democracy. It's like all the cynicism created by my life experiences is just peeled away, and I'm that elementary school kid again, aglow in the excitement of patriotism.

I have a 15-year-old son, and I'm amazed how cynical he is already. He looks upon the electoral process with a surprisingly jaded eye and seems to believe our system is broken beyond repair. But I'm still hopeful that tonight when the returns are coming in and he's watching the pundits with us (which he has to do because it is required for a couple of his high school classes) that maybe in those moments he will see some glimmer of hope, get some sense of why we all invest so much in this process. Cliche or not, the concept that I can actually make a difference in the future of this country and of the world by taking the time to become informed and cast my ballot is pretty heady stuff. Surely that can overpower the cynicism of a teenager for one evening, can't it?

I'm feeling a little nervous because I have to report for Federal jury duty later this week. After all, trying to start one's own business, dealing with a high school freshman with learning issues and just surviving election day 2008 isn't QUITE enough stress in one's life. It seems I needed one more item.

I have had a number of friends and people close to me who have served on juries and found it an uplifting and positive experience. In spite of that, I have always viewed the possibility with dread. I am a real "play-by-the-rules" kind of gal, and if I end up in a situation where I have to disregard evidence that has been presented or ignore some fact that we find out or something like that, it is going to be very tough for me. I would hate to have to believe in my heart that someone is guilty but let them off because without that piece of excluded evidence, I really wouldn't know they were guilty.

I also dread the opportunity for conflict. I am usually pretty decisive. I can make a decision and move on. The thought of being stuck hashing and rehashing evidence with a group of people I may or may not like or respect worries me. It seems to me that the third or fourth time through it, tempers would be likely to flare.

On a brighter note, I finally got my writing website up and running. It isn't yet all that I want it to be, but it is at least active and people can, in fact, visit it and see samples of my writing. I'm pleased with that as a start. (Feel free to check it out at www.EmersonWrites.com.)

Well, once again I've let several weeks pass without posting. And a lot has happened in those weeks!

Perhaps the biggest news is that I have a job! I have accepted the position of Director of Marketing and Community Relations with The Catholic Foundation. The Catholic Foundation is a nonprofit corporation, separate from the church but aligned with it, with the mission of providing a permanent source of funding for religious, educational and social service activities and ministries in the 23-county Diocese of Columbus. It is one of the oldest and largest Catholic foundations in the country.

I feel really good about this. In fact, honestly, I feel that I was meant to be here, and that God had a plan from the beginning. I had been moderately unhappy or perhaps uncomfortable at the old job for a while, but I wasn't taking action to leave. So God forced my hand. And throughout the time I was unemployed, I just kept praying that he would lead me to a really "right" new job -- not just a job, but a place where I felt like I belonged, where I could use my talents and feel at peace. I believe this job is the answer to that prayer.

Since my last posting Sam has had his meeting with the psychologist who gave the tests, and just yesterday we had the meeting with the doctor and Sam's teachers. Also, I read a book recommended by the psychologist and one of the strategies it recommended was having a coach for Sam. Well separately from all this, Sam had already been talking with the phys ed teacher at his school, with whom he has a good rapport, about whether there was some way she could counsel him a little. So I asked her how she might feel about taking on this coaching role. She was very enthusiastic, and is currently reading the book to better understand the issues we've identified and what the role of the coach is. So his classroom teachers are going to try to help him develop external structures to support himself and make some accomodations for his extra needs in this area, and are going to communicate with the coach so she can be effective in supporting him and holding him accountable.

The other big thing that's going on is that my mother is having back surgery on April 16. She was originally supposed to have it in February, but the pre-admission testing revealed a heart issue, which led to a cardiac catheterization. She is now stabilized on some new meds, and has been cleared for the back surgery. That's really important, because just in these few months the surgery has been delayed, the pain has gotten much worse. So we are all very excited about the pending surrgery. Of course, she's 82 years old, so I will admit I'm a little scared -- though she's been through all these tests and everything, of course the risks of surgery are a little higher for her. But we hope it goes smoothly and once she recovers, she will be able to remain active and pain-free.

In other news, my niece Jena just gave birth to a son yesterday. I don't know the height and weight, but she named him Aries, to her father's obvious chagrin. But my brother at least showed good humor about it. He adores his daughter, after all, and since her favorite screen name online is "hippiegirl," it's not like this name is an out-of-character choice.

That's where I'm going to wrap it up for today, except to wish everyone a very Happy Easter!

Well, yesterday Bob and I had the long awaited meeting with the psychologist who administered all those tests to Sam a few weeks ago. And interestingly, as we left Bob and I both felt that on the one hand, he didn't tell us a single thing we didn't already know. And on the other hand, he somehow reframed it into a perspective that helps make sense of it.

He said that while Sam's intellect is very high, as we have always known, the area psychologists call "executive function" is much lower. His executive function is not actually low, but relative to his intelligence, it is. The doctor said that only about 10% of very bright kids would have scores as low as Sam on executive function.

Executive function is controlled by the frontal lobe and governs things like working memory -- the ability to hold a set of directions in your mind while working on a project, for example. It covers a lot of self-regulation, the postponing of gratification in pursuit of a long-term goal, time management, planning, etc. Now, these are all areas where we knew he had problems. What we didn't realize was that they are all connected, all controlled by that one area of the brain.

So again, in terms of the labeling that schools and psychologists seem to love, Sam doesn't quite fit the label. Just as we know he has "Asperger's-like" behaviors but doesn't really meet the definition for Asperger's, similarly, he has ADD-like behaviors but doesn't meet the definition for ADD. Which is just as well, especially since we have previously tried ADD meds on him and they produce strong and unacceptable side-effects. (They make him anti-social.)

So the recommended course of action is that we must provide him with external structures that take the place of that internal regulation. For example, when he goes to do a homework assignment, we will now have him show or explain to us exactly what the assignment is before he starts. That will establish whether he knows or not. If the assignment is complex, and it took a lot of coaxing and guidance to get it all laid out, we might write it down, so he has those written instructions in front of him as he works. Then as soon as that assignment is finished, we will review it to see if he completed all the steps.

The psychologist will meet with Sam next week, and with his team of teachers in about three weeks, so that we are all on the same page. I had mentioned to the psychologist how frustrated we and the teachers have been by his apparent loss of motivation this school year, and the doctor was pretty sympathetic to Sam about that. He likened him to a dog that has jumped at an electric fence and been zapped enough times that now, when he looks at the fence, he just sees the pain. Even if someone opens a gate in the fence, he is likely not to notice it. In Sam's case, he started the year trying really hard to do a good job, but in spite of what really were his best efforts he couldn't stay caught up and was perpetually in trouble. So somewhere along the line, he checked out. Why invest all that energy just to fail anyway?

The doctor said in kids like this is it usually particularly hurtful and frustrating to hear, "You're not working up to your potential." Because while they have this great intellectual potential, the frontal lobe issues are just as real, so they have been working to the best of their ability -- their overall ability. But if we can get Sam to buy into building up structures to support him, then he can get past that roadblock and allow his intellect to shine. At least I hope so!

See, I'm doing better: it's only been a week since my last post here. I don't think I've mentioned it in this blog, but again this year I am doing a daily Lenten meditation online. If you're interested in checking it out, go to www.lentendaily.blogspot.com .

Today I had a second interview at The Catholic Foundation. It was with the head of the communications committee of the board, who is also the Executive Director of the New Albany Community Foundation. I felt it went very well, and I have to admit that I'm getting to that point where my hopes are up for an offer. I know I wasn't the only candidate called in for a second interview, but I did get a very good feeling during the interview. I keep trying to remind myself that I'm just trusting in God to lead me where I should be. It's hard, though, because there's a big part of me that wants to prod and poke God and generally tell him how to do his job.

Earlier this week I had a first interview with a company called Mapsys, and it was surprisingly interesting, too. I take some comfort in thinking if The Catholic Foundation doesn't come through, I can still pursue it. But I'm hoping God gives me some kind of clear sign which one is really the right one for me!

Poor Sam is still having a rough school year. In fact, I'd say it is getting worse. Next Monday we get the results of all that neuropsychological testing we had done, and I'm pinning a lot of hope on that revealing something actionable. If it doesn't, I don't know what the next step will be.

There are several different areas of problems. First, smart as he is, he is not performing well in school. That seems to be mainly about not organizing his work and managing his time, but I am gradually becoming convinced that this is not willful noncompliance. I think he has some sort of problem that makes doing so extremely difficult for him. This is a big area where I hope the tests reveal something, and the doctors know some form of therapy or something that can help.

Then there's the motivation issue. Sam seems to have lost all interest in school work and all internal motivation. To the extent that he does perform in school, it is clearly motivated by trying to keep me and the teachers off his back, not by anything intrinsic to him. He doesn't play music for his own pleasure any more, and he doesn't practice his instruments unless pressed to. He hasn't accomplished anything in Scouts (other than showing up) for months. Sadly, for him lately I think just showing up is an accomplishment. More than anything, I want him to find an inner desire to learn and accomplish!

He is having a big problem with one teacher. He says that he doesn't like the way she teaches but moreover, he doesn't like her. He says he has had other teachers where he didn't like the way they taught, but she is the first one he has ever not liked as a person -- and he believes she doesn't like him any more than he likes her. Today I mentioned this with another of the teachers, one I've known for years and trust a lot, and she said she has never seen any indication that the teacher doesn't like Sam. I think part of the problem may be that this teacher is one of those people whose voice doesn't fluctuate a lot, who is even-keeled to the point of almost placid, and I think Sam may read that as a lack of caring. Whatever, I've come to realize it is very intense and real to him and something must get resolved, as he has the same team of teachers again next year.

Of course, social skills are always a problem for him. I don't necessarily think those have gotten worse, exactly, but with all this other stuff going on he hasn't had any energy left to work on getting them better. Still, I am mildly encouraged that he has had some boys over for sleepovers this year, and they aren't just the kids who've known him since they were tiny.

We've begun talking about what summer camps to sign him up for and where we might want to vacation, but this is the point where my unemployment begins to loom large. I'd plan the summer one way if I thought I was still going to be home, another way if I plan to be working full-time. It is my hope that the answer will reveal itself before we get down to deadlines where I just have to make my best guess.

This weekend holds a Merit Badge workshop day for Sam on Saturday, and on Sunday afternoon his team for a Social Studies project is meeting here at our house to cook. Yes, cook. The class is studying Africa, and his team took on the subject of African food. So in addition to their oral report, they are making and serving some recipes from Africa.

There's never a dull moment here!

I don't know to what extent I even actually HAVE readers on this blog, but if there are any out there, you probably think I dropped dead. I didn't, of course, but I have had some big distractions since my last posting.

Most recently, we took my Mom to a cardiologist on Tuesday because she had flunked her stress test a few weeks ago. (About the time of my last post, actually.) The cardiologist ordered a cardiac catheterization. She needed to go to the hospital the next day for her pre-admittance testing, and my sister was already scheduled to work that day, so I drove back to Zanesville on Wednesday (yes, the day of the snowstorm) to take her for a couple hours of tests. Then I drove back over after church choir Wednesday night to spend the night, as we had to be at the hospital at 7:30 a.m. on Thursday.

The procedure went well and Mom seemed strong and fine afterward. It showed two major arteries are blocked 50 to 60%, and the one at the back of her heart is blocked 90%. They don't do bypasses or angioplasty or anything unless it is at least 70% blocked, so they will let the first two ride. And the one at the back of the heart is too hard to get to and too small a vein to be easily treated, so they will let that one ride, too. The doctor prescribed a beta blocker for her and said he will clear her for her back surgery. (That was the start of all this -- she is in pain and needs back surgery.)

So it was a largely positive outcome, except that now we know Mom is at risk for a heart attack. The beta blocker may help reduce some of that blockage, plus now we know to respond quickly to any signs of potential heart trouble. And the woman is 82 years old -- we were only kidding ourselves if we ever thought she WASN'T at risk for a heart attack. It's just a little disturbing being told that she is, somehow.

I have noticed as I've gone with her to all these appointments, the medical community actually treats her with a certain respect. (Amazing, huh?) I can see in their eyes and hear in their voices that they are impressed with what a tough, active little lady she is, and they really want to see her do well. It's quite uplifting, actually.

Last week had its excitements, too. Sam was off school Thursday and Friday, and while he went for neuropsychological tests each morning, we also went to a movie and tried to fit in fun stuff around the testing. He had a friend over for a sleepover, among other things. Christmas break had been like no break at all for him, with three papers due when he returned, so I felt great about him actually getting a four-day break where he could kick back some.

Friday evening and all day Saturday, I babysat for our nephew and niece. Drew is 6 and Paige is almost 4. They are really well-behaved children and just a delight to be around, but even so, by the time I got home Saturday evening I was exhausted!! Keeping up with little people is definitely a young person's game!

Since my last missive, I had an interview at The Catholic Foundation. It went well and I liked the Director there and the job sounded rewarding. The next step was for each of the ten candidates she was interviewing to provide a writing sample. It turned out to be both a writing sample and a brief project plan, but that was fine --- I felt they played to my strengths. Based on the combination of the first interview and the writing sample, she said she would narrow the field and have the remaining candidates come in for a second interview. I received a call Wednesday inviting me in next week for a second interview. So if you're reading this, then send me prayers and/or positive energy next Friday morning!

I also have an interview Monday with a place called Mapsys. I don't know much about them yet -- I still have to do my research. I never sent my resume to them -- a friend forwarded it to someone she knew there on my behalf, and that's where the contact came from. It sounds like more of a pure sales job than I think I want, but it is such a thrill to have someone seek you out that I didn't turn down the interview. After all, you never really know!

After all that driving to and from Z'ville this week, I am really looking forward to hanging out at home this weekend. I have some freelance work that needs my attention from a friend's sole proprietorship, and I'm at the point that just sitting and working on it will be a delight. In between spending some quality time with Bob and Sam, of course.

I'll try not to wait three weeks before I post again!

Today, I'm fighting the blues. I'll try not to make this post too self-indulgent, but I did think perhaps it would help to write about it.

Central Ohio has been battered by winter weather for the past two weeks, resulting in a total of five cancelled school days out of the last ten. So I know that's one big contributing factor. There was a period of about 2 1/2 days where I didn't even leave the house except to shovel the driveway. Repeatedly. Of course, all that wasn't without its rewards. My son was home with me and in addition to the pleasure of his company, it gave him a much needed chance to work on his Interest Fair project, for the fair coming up on March 22. Frankly, I don't know how it ever would have gotten done without this found time.

Which brings me to one of the big sources of my blues. Things are not going well with Sam in school this year. Though a brilliant child who scores in the 99th percentile in Language and nearly as high in other parts of the standardized tests, he is chronically behind on his work, and shows no motivation or pride in school work. On top of that, I found out at the end of the week that he had actually lied to me about having finished work that he had not finished, just to get me off his back. It was very hurtful to me.

At the suggestion of his psychologist, I have scheduled him to have a comprehensive battery of tests done with another psychologist who specializes in such testing. It will cost an arm and a leg plus two full mornings of Sam's time, but I sure hope it tells us something. We seem to be getting nowhere in improving his study skills, social skills, or general probability of succeeding in life. Supposedly this battery of testing will produce about a 15 page report that analyzes not just his abilities but his emotional make up and his learning style and his executive functions (ability to plan, etc.) and give recommendations about how to set him up for success. Then I think both the testing doctor and Sam's regular psychologist may join us for a meeting with his teaching team at school so we can develop a plan. I think all involved with him feel a sense of urgency because we have the remainder of this school year plus eighth grade to turn around all these negative habits and behaviors and get him ready to succeed in high school -- and right now that feels like a long journey for the time allowed!

I'm also blue because things with my mother have taken a downturn. Thursday night I found out her stress test, which did not occur on Wednesday because of the weather, was rescheduled for Friday morning and my sister couldn't get off work to take her. So I hurriedly packed and went to Zanesville so I could spend the night and take her to the test at 7 a.m. Friday. I did that, my sister joined us when she got off work at noon and we had lunch. When we returned to their house, we got word that the stress test revealed "abnormal results." So her back surgery, scheduled for Monday, is postponed until they meet with her, discuss what these results mean, probably get her in to see a cardiologist, etc. She was very frustrated and disappointed, having had herself all psyched up for major surgery, plus now hearing she may have some kind of heart problem she was previously totally unaware of.

Finally (and this one is really shallow) I'm blue because I'm all alone today. Being currently unemployed, I spend all day alone most days, and I really look forward to time with people. But this is the long-awaited Boy Scout ski trip for Sam, so he is in Seven Springs, Pennsylvania. Bob is at a Boy Scout leader training that lasts until 3:00. I had contacted a girlfriend about getting together today, but by week's end she was too backlogged in work, etc., because of the weird weather week. So here I am yet again, alone with the computer and the fish in the aquarium.

To end on a positive note, though, I did get one piece of good news this week. I am scheduled for a job interview next Tuesday. The job is Director of Marketing and Community Relations for The Catholic Foundation of Columbus. I think I'd like the job and I think I'd do it well. I am a little worried about whether it will pay enough to meet my family's needs, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I have prayed and prayed that God will lead me to the RIGHT next job, so I'm trusting that if this is it, the pieces will all come together. Anyway, just gettting called in for an interview is very, very uplifting. With all the craziness this week I don't think I have sent out one single new resume, so getting an interview about one I had already sent feels like a great gift. Send me positive thoughts and/or prayers next Tuesday afternoon at 1:30, please!

This weekend proved to be even MORE fully packed than I had imagined. When Bob picked Sam up at school Friday afternoon (unannounced) he learned from a teacher that so far this grading period (about 2 1/2 weeks) Sam had hardly turned in ANY homework. So on top of all we had scheduled, there was a bunch of homework to be caught up. Needless to say, there were some serious family discussions about that situation.

But the good news is, by the time he went to bed Saturday night Sam was caught up on schoolwork. And Bob and I went to our dinner dance and had a great time. I'm posting the best picture I got, but I'm really disappointed with the pictures overall. There are almost none of us there having fun, and the pictures Bob took of other people at our table look like we were at a wake rather than a fun event -- but I swear, people really were having a great time! Anyway, here's what we have to show. Then on Sunday Sam and Bob worked really hard on making this plasma ball for his Interest Fair project. They have not yet successfully built it. After they struggled for hours, they enlisted the help of our neighbor and friend Nick, who is an electrical engineer. He was able to better articulate why it wasn't working, but not yet make it work. However, Bob is optimistic that if he contacts the company from whom we bought the kit and explains what data is missing, they can still finish it.

I had a lovely lunch with my sister-in-law Lori while they were working on that project, and it was delightful. I am so fortunate to have a sister-in-law who I would have chosen as a friend if I'd met her in other circumstances.

Now, here it is Monday again and we're back to the rat race. Even unemployed, I feel like I have more to accomplish than hours in the day. Weird, huh?

It has been a very strange week. Because of sub-zero windchills, school was closed throughout Central Ohio for the first three days of this week. That kept my 13-year-old home, which certainly put a damper on my productivity. Of course, Monday I wouldn't have been productive anyway. My mother is scheduled for back surgery on the 19th, and Monday was her day to go have all her pre-operative testing done. So that day was blown away for my purposes. (I sat at the hospital with her for the several-hour process.) Productivity aside, though, it was kind of nice to have that extra time with my son. He was finishing a major paper and I was able to provide support and guidance and keep him on task.

One thing I did accomplish yesterday was contacting a few more friends who had not yet heard my news. I was really touched by the immediate and powerful outpouring of support I got. My friend Lisa called right away and gave some really nice emotional support. My friend Ann called this morning and was brimming over with thoughts about who she could call and places I could look. And later in the conversation, she also provided some lovely encouragement to make sure I use this opportunity to do some soul-searching and figure out what I'm really good at and what gives me joy, and turn it over to God to get me to a place where those are the things I'll be doing. I had already been thinking along those lines, of course, and working with both the career counselor and my life coach/friend Jamie on them. But it felt great to get another reinforcement that this is what I need to be about.

While I admit to having a low grade fear about not finding something soon enough to shelter my family from financial distress, overall I do feel that this has all happened for a positive reason. I feel God is guiding me to something better, and I just need to cooperate and relinquish control and let it happen. While I wasn't actively miserable (usually) in my previous job, I wasn't truly happy either. It was never a perfect fit for me, and I often thought how I missed the feeling I have had other times in my life of being truly engaged by my work and energized by it. I believe God will lead me to something that gives me that energy again.

In spite of the weird demands on my time this week, I have had some successes. I went through a mock interview with my career coach which was a positive experience. She gave some good tips for improvement and preparation, while at the same time giving lots of positive feedback and praise that built my confidence for when I go into a real interview. I signed up for temporary access to the Central Ohio Chapter of the Public Relations Society of America's job board, so I can keep looking there for PR/Communication/Marketing type jobs. And just by trolling the general job boards I've identified another four jobs that are at least worth looking at harder and possibly sending off a resume.

I've become a mall-walker, and I've resumed my previous habit of using my walking time as prayer time. (You'd think I would have become MORE prayerful when I lost my job, but actually, I felt a little numb at first and didn't really talk to God as much as usual.) This morning as I walked I was very focused on how blessed I am. My life is filled with such wonderful people -- my immediate family, of course, and my extended family, and then the wonderful friends who support me. I just had to thank God.

This weekend, Sam, my son, needs to finish his 3-dimensional project and his display board for the Interest Fair at his school. The fair isn't until February 22, but he is scheduled to go away for a long-weekend ski trip with his Boy Scout troop next weekend. It is fully paid for and everything, but he knows if the Interest Fair stuff isn't finished, he doesn't get to go. So I'm sure as a family we will ALL be focused on those things this weekend. And on top of that, this Saturday night is the black-tie dinner-dance fundraiser for the scholarship foundation at our church. So Bob and I will get to go out on a wonderful date! By Monday, I'll need the weekday routine just to rest up from the weekend!

Wow, this unemployment thing is a lot of work, ya know? I can't believe it's been this long since I posted a new entry here at the blog.

Going all the way back to the weekend, let me just say, if you have not yet seen The Pursuit of Happyness, you are missing something. It is a wonderful feel-good movie. Very uplifting, very inspirational. I loved it -- and so did Sam.

We actually did take pictures of ourselves dressed up for our formal last Saturday, but I haven't bothered to upload them yet, so I guess we'll do without that little addition to the blog. Oh well.

This week, I have met with a career counselor and a life coach, I've sent out two resumes to positions that look REALLY attractive and found two more such postings that I will respond to tomorrow. I've had a telephone conversation with an executive recruiter who specializes in marketing positions who didn't have anything that was a match for me right now, but could another day. And I've forwarded my resume to two friends-of-friends who may or may not have some kind of connections, and made a few more initial contacts to old friends to let them know I'm back in the job hunt.

Also, I found that somewhere along the way my subconscious mind has come to the conclusion that the financial advisor thing is probably a bad idea, just because I have a 13-year-old son. I'd virtually disappear from his daily life for a year or two, and I can't think of a more vulnerable time in a boy's life for that to happen. So I'm exploring my other options.

Today, I spent most of the day designing the program for the Valentine's dinner-dance fundraiser at my church. It felt good to be productive. Plus, I hadn't used desktop publishing software in years, so it was also rewarding to find that it came back more easily than I had feared.

Well, that's probably all I have time to write this evening. But at least I got something out here!