Early Afternoon on Christmas Eve

It has been an odd season for us for at least two reasons. The biggest, I think, is that we have no children around any more. Sam is 19 and Warren is 20 and we can't really even pretend that they are kids any more. So we have missed a lot of the magic and awe that the holiday season holds with little ones. Both young men asked for really sensible items that they need for Christmas, and that's pretty much what they are getting. Bob and I put up decorations, but fewer than in previous years. There haven't been any big family outings to shop together, no family nights clustered around the TV to watch one of the perennial holiday favorites....nothing like that. Attending the high school alumni concert was probably the high point of my celebration of the season so far.

The other factor affecting this particular observance of the season is that my mother turned 88 earlier this month and was hospitalized on that day. She is at home recovering now (after a brief relapse that put her back into the hospital for a few more days) and doesn't fully have her strength back. While the dampening this has on the holiday is partly obvious, the less obvious part is that my sister, Patty, is usually a veritable Christmas elf. She is one of those people who never outgrew absolutely loving Christmas. She usually has as much fun with the season as the average 6-year-old. But as my mom's primary care giver, she had a lot less energy to pour into the buildup to the celebration. That is a loss to us all.

On the plus side, there are some very nice things happening that are out of the ordinary, too. Warren's other family, who are Mormon, are joining us for Christmas Eve Mass tonight. My brother Don, who lives in Oregon and rarely gets to Ohio, is here for the holidays, so my mom will get to have all four of her children with her on Christmas day, which hasn't happened in decades. Warren will be accompanying us to the Beasley family Christmas, where I think he will feel right at home.

So I'm just enjoying a few minutes of reflection before we start into the rush. We've decided to have Warren and Sam open their gifts before any of us go to church tonight, which is uncharacteristically early for us, but it allows them to open them together, which sounds like more fun. After that it is two Masses for Bob and me. (We cantor one and sing with the choir at the other.) Tomorrow brings Christmas with my family, Saturday brings Christmas with Bob's. It's all good, just good in a slightly different way than we've ever experienced before. May the holidays bring Christmas cheer old and new to us all!

Prayers and politics and prose and posts

This is the only evening this week with no real plans, so I feel a little at loose ends. But among the random things filling my mind:

• A close friend who is involved in prison ministry posts that the man she has been ministering to on death row has been denied all final appeals and will be executed tomorrow. She has poured so much into this case and I know her heart is breaking. I can't begin to say how much I admire the strength it takes to minister in these circumstances.
• Warren just went out to pick up his friend Terrell, who is coming over so the two can write music. Warren and Terrell together always make me smile. 
• I am totally looking forward to having a few days with Sam at Thanksgiving break!!!
• The Church wisely asked our children's choir director, who has assisted the last two music directors, to step in as interim director of music until the uncertainty is resolved about our pastor. That is a great blessing – she will keep things stable and just finish prepping the stuff we've been working on for Christmas. Anyone new would have introduced more drama, no matter how well intentioned they may have been.  Singing in the choir is about the only activity I do just for the sheer joy of it, and I am grateful that it appears to have the potential to remain a source of joy through the holidays.
• Long story behind the reasons, but I've been asked to help review Mass settings in preparation to add a new one to our repertoire. It's been kind of fun listening to recordings and passing along snarky comments about many of them. And hearing a few that are pleasant, too.
• At our office today, three new employees started work. We have only about 80 people statewide, and probably not over 50 in the Columbus office. So three new ones at once is kind of momentous. But it makes sense if you know our fiscal year started October 1 – meaning, that's when a new year's budget became available. Add in the time to post a job, interview, and hire and it takes you to about.....November 12^th.
• It has been blissful to have an end to the political ads and phone calls. I have been saddened, though, that some of my Facebook friends who used to post about things I enjoyed and shared with them are still on their political rants. I am hoping they will soon find it in their hearts to return to writing about things they like rather than things they hate. (I don't care which political party they hate – I just find hate unattractive.)
• One of my very favorite authors, Margaret Maron, has a new book coming out November 20. I am counting down the days!!! Inexplicably, I have not yet purchased J.K. Rowling's new book, though I am excited to read it.
• After a brief respite of a few months, my prayer list is full to the brim again. I have four close friends dealing with cancer (one in stage four), and another three with loved ones fighting it. Two close family members have been through major surgeries in the past few weeks. Add in the unemployed and those with marriage issues, and it makes a full list. Thank goodness I also have a friend/co-worker who is pregnant, so I have one joyful thing to support in prayer!
• One of my friends is using a “Ten Things Tuesday” theme to force herself to blog regularly. Another used a “31 Days of Change” and has used other themes before that. I think I need to choose something like that to serve as a writing prompt for me. I feel better when I write regularly, yet somehow that alone doesn't always make it happen. Perhaps today can be the first day of a new leaf....

Thoughts from an airport

A few little technical issues related to travel delayed the posting of this a few days, but so be it. I still felt like posting it.

I am writing this during a layover in O'Hare Airport. I'm finding this trip kind of like a time warp.

Most of my readers know that when the recession started in 2008, it took my career down with it. I have been unemployed or underemployed since. Don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy my current work very much – it's just not at the same professional level I was at before. And most days, I don't think that much about it – I'm really grateful to have the job and as I said, I enjoy it.

But today is the first time I've been on a plane since 2008. From about 1995 to 2001, I had jobs where I flew frequently. I wasn't a true road warrior, heading to the airport each week, but I flew maybe once or twice a month, occasionally more. Then from 2001 to 2008 my work was local, but there was still usually at least one professional conference or continuing ed event each year. Besides, we had two solid incomes in the family, so we were likely to fly in our leisure time, too. Then in 2008, it all came to a screeching halt. Nothing in my professional life sends me on the road, and pennies are way too tight at home to just hop on a plane for fun. (Most of the time, anyway. This trip is recreation – I am tagging along on my husband's professional conference so we can celebrate our 25^th anniversary.)

Now, I'm like a country kid who has never flown before! In four years, there have been changes to the security procedures. Even though so far we've been in airports I've flown through a million times, four years brings a lot of changes. So nothing looks all that familiar. And Bob still travels a few times a year for work, so suddenly I feel like the country bumpkin trying to keep up with the more seasoned traveler. Definitely not how it used to feel!

It's not a big deal, really. It just caught me a little by surprise. From the perspective of my whole adult life, it is hard to imagine that I've gone four full years without being on a plane.

Lessons My Mother Taught Me

My mom is 87 years old and in generally good health, though of course she is showing the effects of her age. I know that we have reached the point where every day with her is, essentially, a bonus. I have only recently come to realize how little I actually appreciated her over the years.

Mom and I aren't very much alike. When I was growing up, unlike a lot of little girls, I never wanted to be my mom. I wanted to be my dad. He was outgoing and charming and witty and people loved to have him around. He was a raconteur with a wicked wit. He went off to work or out for an evening of fun and came home with exciting stories to tell. Mom, well, she kept the home fires burning, made sure he and we kids had a nice place to come home to, and generally kept the peace. She managed whatever money Dad brought home and found a way to make it cover everything we needed. She cooked us wonderful meals and baked and sewed and cleaned and nurtured. To me, her life looked like one of boredom, subservience and drudgery. I wanted no part of it.

Of course, what I didn't realize then, didn't even realize as a young woman, was that my mom led the life she chose. She has always been a little shy and didn't want to be out mixing with large groups of people or being the center of attention. She loved my dad with a depth I can barely fathom: she literally grieved herself nearly to death in the first year after he died. She loved her four children deeply and had the wisdom to accept each of us us as just who we are. When my brother Don left home and went rambling around the country as a young man, she worried about him, but she didn't fault him. She understood, perhaps better than anyone, that this was just what he needed to do. When each of my siblings went through a rough patch with Dad as they transitioned into adulthood (a transition Dad never handled well) she willingly played peacemaker because loved them all and could understand both sides of the battle.

When I was a teenager and young adult, she was already alone, but she selflessly made it easy for me to go off and pursue my own dreams because she knew me well enought to know that was the road to happiness for me. Different though we are, I never doubted how very much she loved me and how proud she was of me. I never felt like she thought I should be anything other than who I am.

Now that I'm in my 50's, I am finally at a point in my life where I've chased external prizes long enough. Though I still do rewarding work and still love to be social, there is no higher priority in my life right now than finishing Sam's upbringing so he can successfully achieve his dreams and find his right path to adulthood; providing a safe and loving launching point for Warren; and spending some quality decades with my best friend and wonderful life partner, Bob. That means that I am FINALLY at the point where I notice what a wonderful role model Mom is and has always been. It might not have been a lesson I was ready to learn at the time, but in my formative years she taught me everything I would ever need to know about loving unconditionally, giving loved ones the freedom to grow and thrive, and making sure that the people we love know how much we love them. What a gift!

Fall plans? No thanks, it's summer.

It feels like I ought to have something profound to say, here in the aftermath of Sam's high school graduation. Funny thing is, I am not feeling very profound at all at the moment. I'm feeling pretty relaxed, which is a lovely thing, but not very profound.

In fact, I don't feel much like someone whose life is about to turn on its ear. Which of course, mine is. There is this unpredictable summer period, then everything gets new and different. Sam will be off to college and after 18 years of togetherness, I can't even imagine what it will be like to not see him on a daily basis. He's always been rather private, so it's not like we share daily, heart-to-heart chats, but there was always some sense of check-in, of knowing whether his day was good or bad, of hearing his laughter. I can't quite get my head around what it will be like not to have that every day.

Warren will still be with us, which is a blessing. The house would seem so empty with only Bob and me here! But Warren plans to start a full-time program at Columbus State in the fall, along with a part-time job. So I anticipate that he will be less of a presence here than he has been. Whether that is a good or bad thing I don't quite know yet. Feels like it could go either way. Or maybe it's both. I guess we have to experience it to find out.

But I need to remember that all of that is still about three months away. For now, I have the summer. Just over a month from now will be Red, White and Boom and the 4^th of July. Later that month is the Morgan/Beasley/Russell family reunion. Plus plenty of cookouts and baseball games and hikes and al fresco dining and other summer activities waiting to pop up. So other than working with Sam to make sure he has everything he needs for his departure, I plan to try to live firmly in the present. If I can do that, I think this could be a very good summer! And the fall? I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Follow your passion

Everyone knows the mantra of the day: "Follow your passion." But how do I find that passion?

With Sam graduating from high school, I realize that I need to find a new focus for my time and energy. For the first 15 years or so of my adult life, I was very career oriented and I enjoyed it. Then I had a baby, and honestly, for the last 18 years getting him raised and helping him find his path to a life that would give him joy and satisfaction has been my primary focus. At first there was a transition period, but eventually I found that my passion for my career had waned, and my passion for turning out the best possible young man had overtaken it. When it got to the point where he needed a lot of extra focus, I was happy to give it.

Now, he has reached that point where I am confident that he is on the right path. I'm sure he will make many mistakes and have his share of missteps and adventures, but my work is largely done. He is ready to take over and find his own way.

In the short term, of course, God has given me a diversion. He sent me Warren at a time when he really needed a helping hand and I really needed someone or something into which I could pour my energy. But I realize that it isn't a long term thing. Well, I hope it is a long term relationship, but it isn't a long term project. Warren has already grown a lot and is becoming more independent of us even now. He still has a ways to go, but I know that in a few short years, he will be moving on to the next phase of his life, ready to face and manage what comes next. I hope we will always be close, but I know that soon, he will not need or want a ton of my energy poured into his life.

So I've come to realize, I need to find something that stirs my passion, something I can turn my focus to as my boys don't need it any more. But I don't know what that is.

Bob is more inherently good at finding such outside interests. He used to put countless hours into community theater, which gave him no end of joy and satisfaction. Then he turned to church activities and was extremely involved in the men's club. He provided them a lot of leadership and they gave him a wonderful, productive outlet. Now he has turned his focus to Boy Scouting, an organization for which he has great fondness that has a great need for movers and shakers such as Bob. He just naturally finds these healthy and productive outlets. I need to figure out how to find the same kind of thing for myself.

The problem is, it doesn't seem to come as naturally to me. Girl Scouts is where I work, but I don't see myself pouring my leisure time into it and finding that satisfying. I have been a Boy Scout volunteer for quite a few years and I admire the Boy Scouts, but don't feel a personal passion about them. My faith is important to me, but the Church has a propensity to drive me crazy, and I can't imagine myself turning my energy toward any Church organization that I am aware of now. I still have strong feminist leanings that date back to high school and college, but I don't see myself becoming active in feminist circles today – too political, which in my heart is synonymous with dirty. Thus other politics doesn't seem like a good option to me, either. I just don't know.

So on the one hand, I do think this is an important new insight. But on the other hand, I don't think it holds any short-term “aha” moments for me. I just need to accept it and set it to the side. It doesn't really change anything in how I live my life day to day, but it needs to be there, at the edge of my consciousness. And I suppose I just need to believe that all will be revealed to me when the time is right.

This year's Lenten observance

Most years, I take the whole Catholic teaching about how to observe the season of Lent quite seriously. I commit to a Lenten discipline and work hard to stick with it. I spend an increased amount of time in meditation and prayer.

This year has been an odd one. I did not commit to a specific Lenten discipline. I have been probably less disciplined about my prayer life than usual. Bible study has been a sporadic thing full of fits and starts. I have pretty much followed Church teaching about avoiding meat on Fridays, but compared to most years, it has been a weak effort.

And yet, I don't feel as guilty as I would anticipate, either. Because in spite of those apparent failings, I don't feel like I have failed God or let Him down. I just feel like my life is in a different place than it has ever been before, and that my calling is different as a result.

This year, my only natural born son is a senior in high school. He has matured wonderfully, and he is preparing to go off to college. My job is about done in terms of helping him mature into a healthy young man and giving him the freedom he needs to try his wings and go find his place in the world. I am sure college will have its ups and downs, but I think he has what he needs to work his way through it and find the path that is right for him. At this point, my role is about helping him prepare to make a strong start into adult life.

This year is also the year that our not-born-to-us son entered our life. I write about him fairly often, but I think it is usually about him, not about me and what working with him means in my life. But I really do feel that God has brought me to this point – that at this moment in my life, it is my calling to help this wonderful young man move through the transitions he needs to make and get to the point where he, too, will be ready to spread his wings and fly off into adult life ready and able to thrive and flourish. Working with Warren is very rewarding, but it is often exhausting, too. He can be inspiring and exhilarating, and he can also be challenging and frustrating. There are days when I feel like we are getting nowhere, and then there are days when I get glimpses of just what a great man he will be when it all falls into place.

Even though I haven't prayed as much as usual, have read the Bible less than usual, and have felt too harried to follow a specific Lenten discipline, I do feel that I am in communion with God and doing what I should be doing. And even though Warren and his lovely, intelligent girlfriend both currently disbelieve in God and are sometimes eloquent in their disbelief, I feel closer to Him than ever.

For me, this is the Lent of helping young men search for jobs and comforting them when they don't materialize; of taking a young man out for driving practice and his driving test; of trying to to foster good habits that will serve for a lifetime and being there to provide support when life gets overwhelming. It is the Lent of supporting my boss, my church choir director, my close friends as they deal with job stress, conflicting demands and the illness of loved ones. It is the Lent of learning to be selfless in a non-theoretical way; of putting others ahead of myself in the press of day-to-day life; of picking up the pieces when my loved ones experience disappointment or despair. It is the Lent of learning that my needs often come last, and that is not a bad thing.

It is the worst of Lents, it is the best of Lents. And I wouldn't trade it for any other.

Sam's Eagle Ceremony

What a great day! Today Sam was awarded his Eagle Scout rank, in a beautiful, fun-filled ceremony with about 100 people in attendance.

There are several things about today that I will always treasure. First and foremost, it was such a great day for Sam. When he was actually awarded the rank, his fellow Scouts rose to their feet in a standing ovation that was just a joy to behold. He gave a wonderful, heart-felt speech about what Scouting had meant to him, and I was so proud of him!! The whole day just highlighted what a great young man he has become. I am so fortunate to have him for a kid!

The 100 or so people who were there were a wonderful cross-section from his life, and from ours. His Cubmaster was there, with his family. And tons of his fellow Scouts and leaders from our troop, of course. Two of the leaders who went with him on his trip to National Jamboree were there, and two of the leaders who were with him at World Jamboree. His music teacher from the high school came, and our priest gave the invocation and benediction. Both grandmothers made it, along with an uncle and a couple aunts. But there were also a couple of my work friends there, and several of Bob's buds from his Boy Scout involvement. A few close friends from church made it, along with a couple we've been friends with for about 20 years. The presence of all those folks from different aspects of our lives really warmed my heart. It made me appreciate, once again, how richly blessed we are to have all those wonderful people in our lives.

Warren deserves a special tip of the hat, too. He quit smoking 10 days ago and is still really struggling with the physical symptoms of withdrawal. So I know that sitting through a ceremony like that did not come easily to him, nor did the full weekend of being asked to do extra chores at home or dealing with a bunch of our relatives he didn't know. But he rose to the occasion beautifully. He seemed genuinely supportive of Sam in his moment in the sun and was very cooperative with all that was asked of him. Under the circumstances, I know it took a pretty heroic level of effort to achieve that, and I am grateful both for his effort and that he is a part of our family.

The day is over now. I have leftover food to put away, and tomorrow we pick back up with life as we know it. So it's back to the demands of work and school, to over-scheduling and too little sleep, to trying to lose weight but not too awfully hard. Warren continues to fight nicotine withdrawal and we continue to try to have his back. In many ways, nothing is changed. But Sam has a reason to stand a little more proudly than he did yesterday, and we all have a reason to remember how blessed our lives are. So in a way, everything has changed – it's just a little bit better!

Bittersweet Memories

I spent an afternoon of quality time with Warren yesterday. It was all good, but something we talked about made me think about my high school friend Heidi Hardgrove. This was a bittersweet thing. Heidi died during the summer after my Freshman year of college, and it nearly broke my heart at the time. I would not describe Heidi as my very closest friend in high school, but I would certainly rank her in the top three or four. I have missed her mightily through the years.

I always remember my mother saying, while we were in high school, “I like Heidi. I really do. She's a sweet girl. It's just that I know if you break a rule or get into trouble, you are going to be with Heidi when you do it.” Which, in retrospect, makes it pretty clear why she was such a wonderful friend. She was a girl who knew how to live life with gusto.

And here's the thing: the stuff I would get into trouble for with Heidi wasn't really bad stuff. Shoot, my other closest friends were paragons of adult approval, great kids, really, but I probably tried more of the dangerous stuff of adolescence with them. No, Heidi and I were just more likely to roam beyond the boundaries of neighborhood and curfew.

I was a straight A student in high school, and most of the kids I really ran around with were kids I knew from all the advanced classes. Everyone was pretty much an A average, college prep type. With three exceptions: I had another close friend who played in a band, and while he was a straight A student, some of the musicians I knew through him weren't so much straight arrows; I was active in theater, and it seemed to draw a real cross-section of kids; and Heidi was bright enough, but definitely not on a college-prep track. That was before Title IX, so there weren't girls varsity sports, but she was athletic and played lots of intramural sports. She was taking typing and shorthand and skill-oriented classes like that, and for the school year she lived after high school, she was working an office job, not away at college. Which had the effect of allowing us to grow apart during that school year. I was away at school, so we didn't have much contact that year.

I marvel that we were as good a friends as we were, really. We didn't have a huge amount in common, but we always clicked. As I said, Heidi was athletic, and I am the biggest klutz on the planet. But Heidi always valiantly and loyally claimed that I wasn't uncoordinated. That's the mark of a friend. We also tended to serve as each others “wing men” to use the phrase my sons use. If one of us needed a cover story to get out of the house, the other would provide it. If one of us needed someone to go someplace to meet a boy or check one out or venture into uncertain terrain, we called the other. It was that kind of a friendship.

Heidi died 34 years ago this summer. I have been reconnecting with some old high school friends through Facebook, and that has been really nice. But it just makes her absence from the planet that much more real to me. You wouldn't think it could still evoke such heartache. But it really does. For all the wonderful people who have been in my life through the years, and all the wonderful friends from that time who I let slip away, the pain of the loss of Heidi so abruptly, so permanently, has always stayed with me.

Follow the passion

After much reflection, I've realized that blogging about my passion means blogging about my home life and how the pieces and parts of my life weave together. For me, those are the Big Topics.

It's been almost two full months since I posted here. It hasn't been because I haven't had time, or didn't have anything to say. I actually have three entries during that period that I drafted but opted not to post. No, the problem has been my continued identity crisis about what I want this blog to be. I've been paying attention to what the professionals say about blogging, and had come to feel that my personal accounts of life in our home are too narrow, just don't interest anyone. I wanted to say something bigger: Politics. Women's issues. Observations on midlife. Surely, I thought, those would have more universal appeal. I tried to come up with a structure, thinking maybe I could post on one topic every Tuesday, say, and a different one every Saturday, or something like that. I have a friend who uses that kind of a structure very effectively in her blog.

In the end, though, I realized that one can only effectively blog about one's passion. And my great passion is the three guys who live under my roof, and the activities of our lives. I spent a decade or two of my life being outwardly oriented, career driven. It was a good time in my life and I don't denigrate it. I still hold a professional position which is important to me, and I always want to keep the right balance to give my work life its due. But where does my passion really lie? Here at home. So I hereby give myself permission to ramble on about my guys and their accomplishments and travails and how wonderful I find my life. I will either find readers or I won't.

Since my last posting, things are moving in wonderful directions in Warren's life. He not only continues with his UDF job, but is registered to start his first class at Columbus State next month. On his own, with no prompting, he is taking actions to clean up some unfinished financial business from before he came here. And there is a special someone in his life. There are some complications in that area which I won't detail here, but in spite of them, I have to say that the relationship is having a very salutary effect on his temperament and world view. I'm under no illusions – Warren has a long journey ahead to get from where he is to where he wants to be, and there will certainly be roadblocks and detours and stumbles along the way. But I feel he is on the right path and has been moving pretty consistently in the right direction since about Christmas time. I am savoring these positive moments.

Sam is in the final week of rehearsals for TWHS's spring musical, The Secret Garden, and is feeling exhausted. I just keep trying to remind him that it is only one more week and it will all be behind him except the happy memories. But probably the nicest development in his life, in my opinion, is that there is some kind of interest going on between him and a girl from church with whom he has been friends for years. They both volunteered together at a sub-sandwich making workday a few weeks ago and spent the entire time talking. Since then, they've been texting back and forth and this weekend, they are going to a movie together. I'm not sure exactly where this ranks on the friend-versus-girlfriend continuum, but there seems to be some level of interest on both sides. Hannah is a delightful girl, and he had told me long ago that he would never ask her out because he didn't think he was in her league. It has become clear to me -- and I think to him -- that Hannah does not share that opinion, and it makes me very happy to see him get that affirmation, and to have the chance to get out and have some social fun.

Bob remains happily overcommitted to Boy Scouts, so as long as he is enjoying it, who am I to argue? I am enjoying winding down on my several volunteer commitments that were centered around Sam's activities. I think it will be fun to figure out where I want to spend that time when my time is more my own. My professional life is very busy right now, but I've been through the calendar cycle before and know that it will get easier by the end of May. Oh, and a new department head has been hired. Again. We met her yesterday and she will begin work with us on March 1. We are all feeling cautious after the last person came and went so quickly, but this one did make a really strong first impression.  So I would say I have moved from cautious to cautiously optimistic.

Generally speaking, life is clipping along with joy and verve. We are all in good health, the good days far outweigh the bad, and both young men seem to be moving in positive directions. I'm not sure I could ask for anything more. Life is sweet!

I'm almost afraid to say it aloud, but – I'm finished with my Christmas shopping! This is almost unprecedented. I am one of those people who is usually still picking things up on Christmas Eve. To have all my gifts bought by December 19^th – and most of them wrapped – is a shock.

To be fair, we are buying for fewer people than a few years ago. Our goddaughter grew up. Sam is beyond the age where we buy a bunch of teacher gifts. We have cut back on the wretched excess that used to characterize my exchanges with my mom and sister. Etc.

But still, this amazes me. And mildly disorients me.

We haven't sent Christmas cards since 2004, I think, and we decided to send them again this year. But then we found that we cannot locate an old address list to start with, and without that starting point the task looms too large. So we may send just a few to out-of-town people whose addresses we can easily find, and leave it at that.

Similarly, I considered stepping up to more holiday baking, since my mom and sister have become too infirm to do the amount they used to do. But the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced I would mainly only make the four residents of my house a little fatter than we already are. Oh, certainly, we would give some away. But I found it hard to believe we wouldn't eat the lion's share of them. And that just seemed like a bad idea. So I will stay with the very limited baking I have done the past few years, and I think we are all better off.

We have choir rehearsals the next two nights, then one night off before the holidays are here. And I already know what I'm wearing to the Christmas Eve Masses – yet another stressor removed. Bob and I are leading the music at the 6:30 overflow Mass in the parish hall, and then the choir does a 30-minute prelude and sings at 10:00 Mass. Christmas Day we will spend with my mom and sister, then we get a week of playtime.  I really want the season to be a time of rest and joy for all of us, not another excuse to stress out and overdo. 

Finally, we go to Bob's hometown to finish up with his family's Christmas get-together, which falls on New Year's Eve this year.  Bob's is a classic big, rollicking family, and I always LOVE Christmas with the Beasleys. It is the perfect way to end the season. We had hoped Warren could come with us for the Beasley Christmas and meet the extended family, but he was fortunate enough to get Christmas off instead.  I'm disappointed that he won't be with us, but I think some quality holiday time with his family is probably the best thing for him and thus, I'm happy even in my disappointment.

So that's what the holidays look like for us. They seem less stressful than I remember, but I suspect it's because my perspective is different than when I was younger. I am so grateful for the wonderful life we live and for the dear people who share it with me. I know that's what matters, and since I am blessed with that life and those people 365 days a year, Christmas is just icing on the cake.

Here's wishing you and yours a beautiful, blessed Christmas that features just the amount of hubub you enjoy!

I was surprised to see that it was two weeks since I last posted. Since then we have been through Thanksgiving and definitely turned the corner into the Christmas season. I can't believe how quickly the days pass! I'm not complaining, really, because I love having a full and busy life. I just marvel at how fast it moves!! The coming weeks – and even months – show no sign of slowing down. We have so many exciting things to look forward to.

The job alluded to in my last blog post did not, in fact, pan out for Warren, but last night he got the good news that he has been hired as a clerk at the nearby UDF. (For non-local readers that stands for United Dairy Farmers and is a combination gas station/convenience store/ice cream parlor.) This job has two big advantages, we believe. One, it does not involve cooking or kitchen work; and two, it is a comfortably short walk from our house, so it does not involve coordinating the entire family's schedule just to get him there and back each day. Please join me in praying that it turns out to be a job that will work out for him for a nice long time. I feel strongly that he really needs to experience the stability of staying in the same job for a year or more, and begin to layer additional new experiences, like college classes, on top of that base. My belief that Warren will go on to build a successful, productive, satisfying life has not wavered, nor has my commitment to help him realize the many wonderful positive character traits I see inherent in him. But the five months he has lived here have involved a lot of false starts and struggles and “two-steps-forward, one-step-back,” and for his sake I ache to see him experience a period of unambiguous forward progress.

Sam, having completed his Eagle project and submitted all his college applications, is in a bit of a lull these days. He has nothing but school work to focus on, which is sometimes a bit of a hazard for him. But so far he seems to be keeping his grades where they need to be. I anticipate that after the first of the year he will have some acceptances, and will then have to focus on choosing which college will be The One. I keep reminding him that while money isn't the only factor, it is a factor in that decision process. And mostly, I keep praying ardently that God will give us clear guidance on which is the right choice. I don't so much care which school he chooses, just that we have a strong, clear sense of which one is right - preferably, that he, Bob and I all get that same sense about the same school.

Today we started doing some Christmas decorating. It will probably be another week before we are done, but it is nice to have some lights up and a few things to make us feel like the holidays are upon us. I have done some Christmas shopping – which is pretty early for me – and I have scheduled a vacation day for this Tuesday to try to knock out as much of it as I can while the stores are not jam-packed with people. Then we have some Christmas parties to attend, two Masses to sing at on Christmas Eve, and celebrations with both the Emerson and Beasley families to look forward to. The Christmas season usually moves even faster than the rest of the year, and I hope to do everything in my power to savor it as it glides by.

So really, I'm just full of anticipation: of sharing in Warren's new job experiences, of sharing a wonderful Christmas season with loved ones, of seeing where Sam ends up choosing to go to school, and of the many unforeseeable changes, challenges and thrills that make our life so much fun. Never a dull moment!

Here I am at the beginning of a very unusual weekend. There just seems to be a convergence of unusual activities hitting. Let's see....

• Last night one of Bob's brothers arrived to spend the weekend because this happens to be the weekend of the OSU game he drew in the lottery.


• Today, everyone in my office had to pack up everything as they are reconfiguring the cubes this weekend. So I went in to work, struggled through working for a few hours while mayhem reigned around me, then packed my stuff and was home before 1:00. Working online since then.


• At 5:00 this evening, Warren has what sounds like the final interview for a new job – already through one interview and a general comprehension test, so we're pretty sure tonight generates the actual job offer. (Fingers crossed!)


• Since Dale is in town, we will be going to Otey's in Hilliard tonight for dinner because that's where Bob's local brother, Paul is playing and singing. As so often happens with this kind of situation, Paul plays somewhere almost every Friday night and therefore, Bob and I hardly ever see him play. Apparently it is true that familiarity breeds – well, if not contempt, certainly taking-for-granted. So it's cool that we are actually going to see him this week.


• Tomorrow, I am singing in a wedding. Of someone I don't know. But I'm excited, because I'll be singing in a choir brought together for this one event. We meet tomorrow morning for our one and only rehearsal, then reconvene at 5:30 for the actual wedding. Which is actually my idea of a really fun recreational activity. (Yes, I guess I'm some sort of choir geek.)


• Bob is working at a tailgate party at the OSU game as part of the St. Joan of Arc Men's Club. (This is a MAJOR fundraiser for them.) Which means he leaves early in the morning and will be gone until bedtime.


• Dale spends tomorrow with old college friends enjoying the game and whatever they cook up for the rest of the day.


• Sam cantors at 5:00 Mass. OK, this one is not unusual, but I include it because it is part of the general over-scheduled-ness of the weekend.


• Then on Sunday, we get the real convergence of schedules. Bob and I are supposed to be singing in choir at 10:45 Mass, and then we have to be at our Boy Scout troop's Webelo's Open House from 1:00 to 5:00. (I actually speak at it, so I really, really have to be there.) This makes us unavailable for chauffeur service. Dale flies out about 1:30, so he has to be at the airport by about 12:30. Warren has a doctor's appointment at noon. So unbeknownst to Sam, I think he gets to experience the joy of being the driver on duty for both the doctor trip and the airport run. (Tee-hee. Some sort of karma at work there, I think.)


• I'm pretty sure that after 5:00 on Sunday, we're all just going to collapse.

But of course, we only get to collapse for a few hours. Then it's Thanksgiving week. Yee-haw! But I don't have the energy to think about that now.

I am just exhausted, and though I did several chores and stayed pretty busy today, I don't think that is the reason.  I believe the cause of my fatigue is the bizarre experience that started our day. It left me emotionally drained.

We have a long-time friend who has brain cancer and is, shall we say, in the final countdown.  So this morning when Bob arrived at church to cantor 9:00 Mass, he was told that John had passed away last night.  He called me, and I posted a little memorial on Facebook.  Then I went to join Bob at 10:45 Mass, where the choir was to sing.  John was a choir member, so the choir was all grieving, and prayed for John's soul at the end of our rehearsal.  Then we went into the sanctuary and started the Mass.  Just as it started, one of the ushers in the back started making huge arm signals not unlike air traffic control bringing in a 747, and in walks the grieving widow -- followed by the deceased! 

What eventually came to light was that the parish had received a voice mail message that someone else named John, with a surname one letter different from John's, had died.  Since the church was well aware of John's fragile state, they heard John's name, and thus the misunderstanding began.  So it was all an understandable series of events, and no one really did anything stupid or malicious.  But wow!  We came home from Mass feeling like we had been through the ringer.  First there was the very genuine grief, tempered with just a hint of relief that his suffering was at an end.  Then the shock of seeing him, followed by anger that someone could make such a dreadful mistake, and finally the gradually dawning realization that it was just an unfortunate but blameless mistake.  And now that I've recovered from all that, I realize that my dread of the day when I really get that news has increased. Now I sort of know how much it will hurt!

I can hardly believe we are at the end of October already.  Where has the time gone?  And now, as the calendar turns to November, we can count on time moving at a dead run from here to the first of the new year.

Every part of my life feels like it is just vibrating with change.  Sam is in his senior year, desperately finishing up the paperwork to earn his Eagle Scout rank and filling out college applications, all while trying to keep his grades up enough to have some hope of scholarships.  It's a lot to juggle, but I feel he is doing a better job at it than ever before. He turns 18 at the end of the week and I can hardly fathom that my baby will be, in the eyes of society, an adult.  And frankly, in many ways he is beginning to think like one!

Warren lost a week of his life to oral surgery and is still not feeling normal yet.  But once he recovers, he will continue to be in constant change.  He is just at a point in his life where there sort of is no status quo.  He is in a part-time job with no future; he will either move to a better job, or start school, or both, but there's no possibility that he will ride on as things are for very long.

Bob has applied for a new job in his same company.  I can't tell yet how big a probability there is that he will actually make a change -- but it feels like it's been a while since he even went so far as to post for another job, so it feels significant to me.  Whether it is this opportunity or another, I feel there is change in his future.

And today at my day job, my "new" boss (of five month's tenure) announced that she is leaving.  So we are back in a state of uncertainty.  And they are about to reconfigure the entire work space, squeezing in something like 6 more work stations in the existing space and moving everyone around.  So there will be a certain level of discomfort for everyone.

In my volunteer life, too, there is change.  With Sam wrapping up his Boy Scout career I have announced that I will serve out this year as Troop Committee Chair then I plan to step down. And at church, things have felt unsettled ever since Father Larussa joined us in the summer of 2009. We are on our second choir director since he started (though it feels like Matthew will be with us for a while) and most of our old traditions and comfort zones have been swept away.  It isn't so bad, really, but it has certainly taken away any illusion that church is a place you go for the comfort of the familiar.

I had an interesting talk with my 87-year-old mother on Sunday.  She told me not to apologize for being busy, even when it makes me miss calling her occasionally, because being busy is a good thing.  "And as you get older," she cautioned, "Make sure you stay busy! That is one of the most important things you can do for yourself."

So that's my insight for the week: busy-ness can be a good thing.  And when it isn't, it's probably because of the choices I have made about which things to be busy with.

Read a really good column in the Wall Street Journal by Peggy Noonan this morning. In it,she cites research that polled women in Orlando and Des Moines who were selected on the basis of “having shopped at Wal-Mart at least once in the past month.” She said one group was in their 30's and 40's, the other in their 40's and 50's. They were strikingly consistent in their opinions. Things they agreed upon included:

• Unemployment is definitely worse than the official government numbers make it sound.
• The recession doesn't feel like it's getting any better.
• They all resent the bank bailouts when they feel the banks were huge contributors to the problem.
• Obama hasn't done a good job, but they get angrier when they talk about Congress.
• Both parties are equally responsible.
• They feel their elected leaders have no sense of how they live, and don't care.

I would qualify for one of those groups, and I'm surprised to find how mainstream I must be. I can pretty much agree with those points. I came from a working class family, got an education, rose pretty high in my career and then slowed down off the fast track, but remained in a professional position. So I have experienced some times in my life when money flowed pretty freely, and some where money was tighter. But today feels different.

This feels like the first time in my life that everyone I know is affected by the adverse economy, and no one has any sense of when there might be an end in sight. I actually think that my son's standard of living will be affected forever by the tough economic times in which he came of age. We have saved some for college, but are counting on some financial aid, too. Money would always have been a factor in the final choice of school, but it will be a bigger factor than I would have imagined. And he's one of the lucky ones.

Our other pseudo-son, Warren, who is not typical in many ways, is perhaps more typical in this way. As a young man with only a high school diploma, his opportunities to build a life for himself are far more restricted than they would have been just five years ago. Like many kids in his situation he doesn't mean to be without an education forever, and has a general plan of working, taking classes at Columbus State Community College, and eventually attaining a degree. But unlike a few years ago, even entry level jobs are scarce, sources of public aid are tighter, and he will have to work harder and do without more to attain those goals. I believe a kid like him faces greater challenges today than ever. And living at home is almost the only way they can make it. Left to fully support oneself on minimum wage in today's economy is beyond difficult -- it is virtually impossible. 

Among our friends, it almost feels like everyone has dropped one socioeconomic level. Those who I always considered affluent now live more like upper middle class. Upper middle class has tightened its belt to the standards of lower middle class. Lower middle class is slipping into the paycheck-to-paycheck patterns that characterized the working class, and working class families struggle to stay employed at all and out of poverty. No one I know buys cars as frequently or travels as often as they used to. For a lot of us, eating out has slipped from a routine item to a luxury. Children who went off to college and maybe even have that first post-college job are still living at home because it's too risky to try to get out on their own.  Grown offspring with children and sometimes spouses are moving back in because it is the only way they can provide a decent life experience for the kids.

So we plug away, seeking silver linings where we can. I know that my values have changed for the better through this. I appreciate what I have more and judge others' choices less. I am learning greater patience and flexibility. I have really internalized the reality that people matter, things don't. These are all good things. But the future still looks really scary, and I would be delighted to take these good lessons and apply them in a somewhat less stressful future. I'm just sayin', in case anyone out there in the universe is listening.......

I have been trying to post for days, but Blogger and my browser seem to be having a disagreement. If you can see this post, it means that I found a workaround that allowed me to post.

My life has been almost frenetic lately. I think this was the pace at which my life moved routinely some years ago, but at some point it slowed down and I got used to that more leisurely pace. But lately, with two teenagers in the house, two significant volunteer commitments, a full time job plus freelance work, and Bob busy with multiple volunteer commitments and work travel, the tempo of my life has accelerated. So far, it hasn't been unpleasant. I seem to remember reaching a point of burn-out, where I didn't want to do all that anymore. But so far, this time around, it has felt OK. If anything, it has felt energizing.

I am so enjoying having these two teenagers in my life. Sam is working on his Eagle project, trying to keep his grades up, applying to colleges. That all sounds so mainstream, so straight arrow. But anyone who has known us all over the years knows that Sam is anything but mainstream. I count it a huge success that he is on the path he is on. And while there is some stress to it, he seems to be handling it well. He isn't having much of a social life, but I don't think it is significant -- I just think he's spread too thin to add that right now. In fact, since I drafted this the first time he has made noises about asking a girl out -- after his Eagle project is done.

Warren struggled mightily to find a new job, and has now landed one at Otani Sushi Bar & Japanese Restaurant. But I still feel like he is struggling with believing that things will work out -- his self-confidence is shaken, and he's having a hard time seeing his way from today to tomorrow. On the other hand, I remain extremely positive about his future.  He is a hard worker and a survivor.  We just need to keep his spirits up, so he doesn't lose faith in himself. Warren also has a social life -- possibly too much so. It seems that girls go for him in a big way, often to his detriment. I hope that while I am in a position of influence in his life, I can help him learn better coping mechanisms for girls, and to set his sites higher than he has in the past.

I know that next year, when Sam heads off to college, our life will become quite different. I can't predict at this point whether Warren will still be here with us then or not (though I hope so). But whatever the configuration of our life then, I know it will be something new, totally unexperienced. And it might be just as wonderful. But for today, I am savoring the life we are living. Oh, it has its stresses and bumps in the road, but then, it wouldn't be life otherwise, would it?  And it is, indeed, a wonderful life.

It’s been an interesting week or so for me.  In addition to the ongoing fun/drama/challenges/rewards of living with two late teen-age young men, there’s been the following:

·       My dear hubby was away from Thursday morning until Sunday night near bedtime. He re-packed, slept, and left again early Monday morning to return late this Thursday night.  We believe this makes our longest period apart in the entire 26 years we have known each other!

·       One of my co-workers absolutely cannot get along with our new boss, and the situation is near the breaking point.  It has been a simmering drama since June, and it is pretty much boiling over now.  There will certainly be resolution of some kind soon, but for now every day is filled with the conflict. I can’t even find words to describe how much I prefer my work environment to be drama-free.

·       In my role as Committee Chair of my son’s Boy Scout troop, there’s been a big issue involving a set of angry parents that has dragged on for the past two weeks.  It finally reached its denouement last night, with a formal meeting with them.  There will still be some additional chapters before the story completely wraps up, but I think we are on the downhill side now. It’s one of those situations where mistakes were made by many parties, and I have been in the position of trying to apologize for my part and mediate among the others.  That is to say, pretty much in a no-win position.

Then of course there is the drama surrounding the young guys. Not to put too fine a point on it, out of respect for their privacy, but their lives are, shall we say, never boring.  They are on somewhat different paths at this point, but both struggle on a daily basis with making peace with where they are today, finding their right path to the future, and just figuring out how to be their best selves and function in the world.  Oh, and girls.  The perpetual struggle of girls.  I never cease to be amazed at the power of girls, as evidence by the havoc they can wreak on my young guys. 

When I was younger, the point of telling all this would have been a complaint.  Today, I have come to realize that this litany of dramas and struggles is the stuff of life.  If I get hit by a Mack truck one day, people will care that I loved my husband deeply, tried to mediate conflicts, and was there for Sam and Warren.  They probably won’t care so much about my professional resume, my never-quite-clean-enough house, my depleted savings account, or my unfulfilled ambitions.  That doesn’t stop me from obsessing over any of those things occasionally.  But I realize that it is the people in my life, and how I relate to them, that make life worth living. And a sweet life it is!

Bob and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary yesterday and today. (Yesterday was the actual date, but our life was so hectic with mundane routines that we waited and went out to dinner tonight.) I usually write about both the boys and my work more than I do about Bob, but this seems like the moment to change that. As I said on my Facebook post yesterday, every good thing in my life is either directly because of Bob, or is better because it is shared with him.  He is the source of most of the joy and laughter in my life, and keeps me in the headspace that makes me laugh rather than cry in the vicissitudes and quirks of daily life.  I have always described Bob as a funny combination of class clown and Eagle Scout -- he's an irreverent cutup, but when the chips are down, he's the one people call.  He is smart, funny, affectionate, stable, generous, sexy......in other words, he rocks my world!

Those who have been reading me for a while may notice that I spent a little time cleaning up the appearance of my blog.  I had been using an out-of-date template, and everything just looked a little off.  I think I have fixed that, as well as making it easy to like my blog on Facebook if one is so motivated.  I have been putting out some feelers for new freelance writing (could use both the income and the challenge!) and it seemed like a good idea to make my blog look like I know what I'm doing.  Next, I need to put some attention into my website. I figure it's like the old story of the shoemaker's children always needing shoes. 

One of the more surprising effects of living with an almost 18-year-old and an almost 19-year-old in the house is that it makes me think about Big Topics that I used to think about a lot, but put on a shelf somewhere along the way. I remember being their age and a little older and having long, meaningful discussions about philosophy and theology and politics. I remember the intellectual thrill of exploring all those various ideas and constructs, about sorting through them for myself and debating them with other intelligent, articulate thinkers who were exploring them for the first time, too. Over time, though, I kind of settled into what I chose to believe in those arenas, and got caught up in the business – and busyness – of daily life.

So now I find myself sitting across from either one of them and they launch into their opinions on one of these Big Topics, and I feel at such a disadvantage! They are both very deep thinkers and very articulate, so both are apt to launch into one of these discussions.  One day this week Sam expounded on capitalism vs. socialism vs. communism vs. fascism; with Warren it was recently existentialism and nihilism. Either one is likely to launch into comparative religions at any time. I really, really enjoy talking with them and hearing their views, but I haven't read the supporting literature in 30 years and in many cases, have only a vague, partial recall of the definitions of all the terms. So I have this sense that I am not really holding up my end of the discussion!

These discussions are also a wonderful counterpoint to the lunacy that also accompanies having two teenagers in the house. Both are so very smart and in many ways, responsible. They are gaining mastery of the big things. But the little things in life can still totally mess them up. Like keeping track of a cell phone. Or a credit card. Or getting themselves to where they are supposed to be on time, with everything they need, without parental assistance. Somehow, I think this crazy dichotomy – Big Ideas one moment, lost shoes the next – is what is unique and wonderful about this age. They are both socially conscious and totally self-absorbed; generous and selfish; hopeful and cynical; up and down, fast and slow, wise and stupid..... They are a crazy mix of the child they were and the man they will be.

And so the fun continues. This weekend has been a very full one. It has included calling hours at a funeral home, a problem with Sam's Eagle project, a financial setback for Bob and me, a flare-up of the drama between Warren and his parents...There have definitely been some not so good moments, and yet I stand by my recent statement that my life is so sweet I am awed by it. I come home every day to one wonderful mature man who loves me and fills my life with joy, and two young men finding their way to fulfilling their potential for wonderful. Life is not only never boring, it is inspiring and challenging and downright fun!